Everyone knows that couples have disagreements about money matters. But when
the practical challenges of money management are combined with the
complications of stepfamily living, money issues can be volatile.
“I just don’t feel
like his partner,” said Barbara. “Lloyd controls everything and I don’t even
know how much we have nor do I contribute to investment decisions. It’s like
the money is all his, just in case we don’t make it. It’s been that way from
day one when he asked for a prenuptial agreement. How can I feel like his
partner when I’m excluded from this part of his life?”
Sometimes money
conflicts are about values or power and control; other times it is about fear.
Barbara had access to all the money she and her children needed, and they were
well cared for. However, in her heart, she didn’t feel that Lloyd was
completely committed to her. His unwillingness to let her have some say in his
material wealth was evidence to her of this struggle—especially since her
husband didn’t have any problem sharing financial decisions with his first
wife.
When money is paired with pain
In asking for more
decision-making power regarding their money, what Barbara was really seeking
was emotional security and a permanent commitment from her husband. Money
issues in a stepfamily marriage are sometimes paired with pain from the past.
They become a detriment to the present marriage when negative behavioral
patterns are set in place.
Underlying Lloyd’s
need for a prenuptial agreement and control over their finances was a ghost
that haunted him with distrust, insecurity, and the fear of losing control. The
only thing that kept him from growing increasingly anxious about his future was
staying in control of the money and investments he brought into the marriage.
Besides, in his mind,
his generosity toward Barbara and her children was more than enough provision.
It shouldn’t matter to her, he thought, that her name wasn’t on the deed to the
house or cars. But it did matter to Barbara, a lot.
Overcoming fear, risking trust, choosing commitment
The challenge for many
stepcouples is deciding whether fair will be defined through the lens of pain
or hope. If decisions are being made through the lens of pain, then one or both
will choose a path of self-preservation (withholding assets is a way of
withholding yourself). If the decisions and the relationship are viewed through
a lens of hope, risks and an investment in the marriage are likely taken. This
requires trust.
In our book, The
Remarriage Checkup, David Olson and I
review five stages of trust previously identified by Patricia Schiff Estess (in
her own book, Money Advice for Your Successful Remarriage).
The Rose-Colored Glasses Stage. In those first romantic moments, money talk
seems crass or unimportant because the strength of love “will handle
everything” (naiveté) or because couples believe there will be no money
conflicts (ignorance).
The Don’t-Rock-the-Boat Stage. Feelings of resentment or anger surface.
Frequently thoughts such as, “Why should I resent his paying alimony? I knew
about it before we got married,” or “I can’t stand her cheapness when it comes
to gift-giving” aren’t voiced for fear that any stress would put too much pressure
on the fragile new union.
The Lay-It-On-the-Table Stage. Couples painfully express their concerns to
each other, feeling it’s OK to be honest, to argue about spending priorities
and to speak candidly about their feelings, frustrations and fears surrounding
finances. A foundation of trust is being laid, albeit roughly.
The Getting-It-Together Stage. The couple has arrived at a mutually agreed
upon lifestyle and has established an effective method of handling finances and
making financial decisions. This doesn’t necessarily mean that they’ve
commingled funds, just that they have agreed on contributions—both monetary
contributions and contributions of time—and that they have a system in place
for managing both jointly owned and separately owned property.
The Achieving Stability Stage. The couple reels in control of finances.
Despite the ultimate instability of anyone’s financial position, they now feel
comfortable adjusting their goals or spending patterns as circumstances
require. Their perspectives are integrated. They can handle change.
In addition to
integrating their daily and practical financial patterns, did you notice what
else is growing beneath the surface? Trust. Each and every stage requires a
choice to risk the unknown as the two come closer in heart and mind, but
eventually the choice to risk gives birth to confidence and trust. And every
couple needs that.
TAKING ACTION
Couples:
Building financial
integrity and trust into your relationship is a must, and so is agreeing to a
system of money management. Most stepfamily couples choose one of the
following:
§ “One-pot” couples have joint ownership over
all of their financial accounts (including savings and investments).
§ “Two-pot” couples divide monies into his and
hers. Sometimes this is reflective of what each brought into the marriage or
the income each produces, and sometimes it represents the different obligations
(e.g., child support to an ex-spouse) and debts each holds.
§ “Three-pot” couples have his, hers, and theirs
accounts from which they pay shared bills and expenditures.
The system itself
doesn’t seem to make a significant difference in the level of couple
satisfaction. What does matter is whether you agree on the system and share
similar values about spending, saving, and how family members are provided for.
Any system can work, but it has to be agreeable to both.
